Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

Not messing around

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.