Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*