911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-