Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

fly smarter, not harder

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

The Sun

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.