*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
So, my parents did NOT appreciate their Yelp review.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Incredible customer service.
I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU