“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.