Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

How all things should be taught/explained.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.