Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that