911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
You Might Also Like
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.