911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
911: Placing you in protective custody.

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When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.


I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore


“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.


*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?


Me: One of you… is the murderer

Everyone: *starts sweating*

Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting


*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem


My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream


If the tv show “Cops” has taught me anything, it’s to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.


My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.


[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”