Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

when you don’t want to be too vague

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time