911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.