Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

eggs benadryl

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”