911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.