911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
This will never not be funny 😭
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day