“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
be careful
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?