-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything