Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire