-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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That stupid look on my face, is my face
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: