-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is