-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
why on earth do you guys have a state named washington and a city named washington and they’re on opposite sides of the map. this whole time i thought the white house was in washington state
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!