911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.