Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense