“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Okay this one takes it home
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Cinematography is my passion
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.