“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills