Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

“Great, now I have to pee.”

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.