Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

I love you…

…r dog.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.