“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
la cocaina
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost