“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
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Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree