“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?