Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*