911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Mmmm canned fish.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”