911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
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9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage