911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
You Might Also Like
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’ve been drinking.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”