MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Yes, this is exactly right
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.