I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”