@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

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@JonasPolsky

I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.

@DestryBrod

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

@truegritrumble

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

@Gooooats

People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.

@Tmoney68

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

@ElliotHetherton

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”