@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

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@Parkerlawyer

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

@philmann

Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

@givemymeds

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

@DumbConfessions

Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

@briancthayer

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

@Qckhd

Gets in shower

Washes hair

Thinks about a tweet

Forgets if washed hair

Washes hair

Gets out of shower

Forgets tweet

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo:..
Me:..
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM