My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
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Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.
*pops jean jacket collar*
I got marmalaid.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Gets in shower
Thinks about a tweet
Forgets if washed hair
Gets out of shower
Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM