I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
You Might Also Like
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
White Castle for the Win
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Monday
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for