Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

the icebreaker

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

#SuperBowl

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”