Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

I’m never leaving this app.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!