Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.