Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.