911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.