911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
*swat team busts down my door*

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Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.


I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah


I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.


My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.


[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”


What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?


When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.


Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.