911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on