Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]