Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.