Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.