Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

Banana is the quietest snack

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.