Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.