Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.