911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do