Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This billboard speaks to me

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Breaking news:

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock