Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Mountain Goat : )

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?