Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

I need this for my side hustle.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.

Rookie move.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup