911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Boating season is upon us.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies