911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The Compass
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
she has a point
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Ion see the issue
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Morning my dudes.