Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.