Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

#NeverForget

Donating blood today to make room for more food

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.