Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Siri: Retweet me.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.