Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK