911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*