Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy