Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*