Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.