Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.