Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

me refusing to leave twitter

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

you stereotypes are all alike

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole