Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Every work meeting this week

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*