911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
You Might Also Like
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair