Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

see next tweet for some translations

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

much to think about

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

Order here:
More here:

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me