Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable