Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

My birth announcement for our third baby

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

this is so top tier i cant

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us