Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

go easy on yourself <3

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”