911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
c’mon!
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”