Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fights fire with marshmallows

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

◾️

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”