911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
These are so Plastic Man-core
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
